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Attachment and Relationships

Many of us have heard and read about attachment styles.

In psychology they can be framed as something that we permanently have problems with.

Something that is unfixable, that we simply need to learn to live with.


A more useful lens is to answer the question:

How do you behave and think within the context of a relationship?

Notice patterns and habits - both those that help and those that hinder.

We can shape those patterns that cause strain in our lives and relationships.

And do more of the actions that help ourself and our relationships thrive.


In somatic coaching we can look at your attachment patterns through your nervous system.

Our nervous system is how our bodies play out early learning, including our attachment style.


An example from my life, is when I feel misunderstood, I slip quickly into "fight" mode, which in this situation looks like me verbally trying make someone understand me correctly.

If you were listening I am likely to be repeating a statement over and over, the misunderstood idea.

Which is understandable, but also automatic, and rarely nets me my desired outcome, which is feeling understood.


I have learned to notice when I slip into this automatic response, pause, breathe, and step back as needed to take care of my nervous system and me.

These days even catching myself before I start the automatic, able to see what is up for me, and simply breathe.


Often there is actually no need for me to take any action with that other person, once I've take a moment to breathe and calm.

It is my child self reacting to feeling unheard, unseen, and misunderstood.

And if there is some repair needed, I have learned how to have that conversation with that person in my life. Sometimes in a particular relationship there may be some work to do to allow us to feel seen, heard, and understood. That is the relational work we need to do in order to have what we want in our relationship.


In Somatic Relationship Coaching we support your awareness, create space for your own wisdom and knowing to be uncovered (or discovered), we provide tools, so that can you can feel good in your relationships.




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